May 7th, 2013

A question I don’t need answered

In this whole process of responding to Lenya’s departure to heaven there has been one question I haven’t asked. That question is, “why?” I have never found my heart bubbling up with that. Even in my darkest moments of unfiltered pain and confusion: “Why did this happen?” or “Why did God let my daughter die?” wasn’t what gushed out. To be honest my lack of thirst for those answers has shocked me a little bit.

I am not saying I have faith made out of steel. I don’t. There have been times of deep, deep doubt. Moments where I have come close to despair. There have been anxiety attacks that verged on total meltdown.

The closest thing I can compare these moments to is having one of your kids get separated from you in the grocery store and that sick feeling of panic when you are running up the aisles looking for them. Only there is no resolution. It doesn’t end, on this side of eternity, you have to learn to live with it. Once I was on an airplane and felt myself slipping. I got so stressed that I thought to myself, “if you don’t get this under control you are going to get arrested trying to open the door or something.” I had to breathe slowly with my head down to stop myself from hyperventilating.

Even in these times of intense doubt I haven’t been plagued by “why?” though. It’s not because I already know the answer. I have no clue. Beyond generally, that all death is the result of sin, I don’t know why my daughter’s life on earth was cut short. Today is my birthday and I don’t know why I won’t get to spend it with her. I believe God could have overridden and kept her here. He wasn’t surprised by any of this. I also believe He could have answered our prayers and brought her back even after she left this world. He’s done it before.

One day I will know even as I am known, but not yet. Right now I look at all this through a dark glass. Not knowing doesn’t change anything for me though. I trust Him. I trust His plan. He knows what He is doing. He does all things well. I don’t have to know all the answers because I know Him. So my heart’s cry isn’t, “give me facts,” but “give me faith,” because even if I did have the information there isn’t much I could do with it.  Even the tiniest measure of faith, on the other hand, can move mountains.

Posted in heaven, Lenya Lion, raw thoughts

comments

  1. brenda roskos Says:

    13 Years ago…when our little son died….We never asked that question either….and looking back I believe the reason is because…We trusted the Lord…at least for us that was the reason…it was so painful and so very difficult….but we knew God could be trusted. It didn’t help the pain….but we never wavered in God’s love for us….and he used our little person’s departure from earth in ways we never would have thought possible…..and in other ways it strengthened our faith and that of those around us….

  2. Viola Says:

    Happy Birthday Levi. Thank you for sharing your heart. Our prayers are with you.
    Numbers 6:24-26

    24 “‘“The Lord bless you
    and keep you;
    25 the Lord make his face shine on you
    and be gracious to you;
    26 the Lord turn his face toward you
    and give you peace.”’

  3. Linda Martin Says:

    Happy Birthday Levi praying for faith courage and many blessed memories

  4. Jesse Moore Says:

    Happy Birthday Pastor Levi. Thank you for sharing this. Praying for you and your family today. You are a huge encouragement to me and so many others. You are an example of the kind of father I want to be some day. So thankful for both you and Jenny!

  5. Rick and Linda Says:

    Praying for faith. Jesus be with you and feel His closeness and nearness

  6. Staci Says:

    Happy Birthday Pastor Levi. Thank you for your searing honesty. Gives me encouragement as I go from day to day. Knowing God is faithful and good.

  7. The statement made that “God was not surprised” is one I have often made myself. It is such a comfort to me in times of distress to know that even before an event occurs, God has it all in control. Even as he keeps us in the palm of His hand, His strength is made perfect in us, rather, displayed through us, regardless of the outcome of the event. What a testimony of the Grace of God living in us, revealed to us.

  8. Penny Says:

    profound statement: give me faith not facts…
    I’m going to tuck that in my heart Levi…so proud of the man you’ve grown to be.

  9. Amy Lubienski Says:

    Wow…I’m amazed by your transparency. I’m the youth leader at our church in Renton, Wa and recently got your o2 experience info in the mail. I was looking over your church’s statement of faith and after reading it, clicked on your personal blog. When I read what you just wrote I was almost in tears as I am a mother of two boys, 3 and 1 and can’t imagine the loss you have felt. But when you spoke those faith filled words, you brought me back to spiritual reality: God is in control and He has a plan in all of this. Happy birthday Pastor Levi, and thank you for sharing!

  10. Happy birthday Pastor Levi. Thank you for sharing your heart with such honesty. You are right, there will be times we will never know why but one thing for sure is we can still trust that God is sovereign above it all. Your daughter is with Jesus and my prayers goes out to you.

  11. Nicole Says:

    When my daughter, who is now 23 months old, was diagnosed with cancer eight months ago, I didn’t initially ask God why but was afraid that at some point I would. Looking back, after reading this, I realize I haven’t. The last paragraph you wrote resonates with me, that “I don’t have to know all the answers because I know Him” and how you talked about that you couldn’t do much with the information anyhow. A bitter realization to me, but so true. That knowledge is not what I need, just faith in our mighty God. I appreciate you sharing your heart.

  12. Pastor Levi, I know that you probably get a lot of comments and stuff, so I almost didn’t leave one…But I really wanted to thank you for this post. A family that I am close to just lost their baby boy…And I’ve been struggling a lot with the “why” question…Thank you for your words and your honesty. And I thank God that He has given you the faith to trust Him through the high and stormy gales.

  13. I wrote about something very similar this week as I considered why God didn’t heal our daughter from her very rare heart defects. Ultimately, it’s not the most important question.
    Again, so very, very sorry for your loss.
    http://saramcnutt.blogspot.com/2013/05/why-didnt-god-heal-grace-part-1.html

  14. “Not knowing doesn’t change anything for me..I don’t have to know all the answers because I know Him” — thank you for these comforting words & for sharing your thoughts & feelings. I greatly admire you & look up to you. I may not have the right words to ease your pain but God will surely comfort & strengthen you & your family. God did the same for me when I lost my parents. Also, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all that you do, for sharing the passion & love for Jesus Christ. Happy belated birthday and we love you from menifee, california

  15. [...] 10. A question I don’t need answered There has been one question I haven’t asked. That question is, “why?” I have never found my heart bubbling up with that. Even in my darkest moments of unfiltered pain and confusion: “Why did this happen?” or “Why did God let my daughter die?” wasn’t what gushed out. To be honest my lack of thirst for those answers has shocked me a little bit… [...]

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