The Bible tells us that we have hope as an anchor of the soul. It is both sure and steadfast. Translation: It is unmovable. A permanent anchor that will never budge. We can know this is true because it is Jesus who is our anchor. He is our hope. He has entered God’s presence and has promised to bring us to be where He is. Our hope is not dead either, it is a living hope, because He lives forever.
There is endless comfort to be enjoyed from these truths and the symbolism God employed to help us understand them. Simply seeing an anchor reassures me when I feel shaky. In the last five months since Lenya’s departure I have felt gale-force winds of sadness and tsunami waves of grief crash down on me and yet my anchor holds within the veil.
The great thing about anchors is that they are never cordless. There is always a connection. A rope or a chain. That cord is every bit as vital as the anchor itself. It doesn’t matter how securely that big hunk of metal is wedged into the ocean floor if you’re not tied to it anymore. The leash matters greatly.
Our anchor of the soul is no different, it comes equipped with a mighty chain. The Holy Spirit. Before entering God’s presence Jesus promised to send His Spirit to be our Helper. He is our great rope that cannot be frayed. The one who has lashed our hearts to Heaven. Through the Spirit we have an everlasting guarantee that we are slowly but surely being winched into our true Country. He is the one who groans in us and keeps us from getting too comfortable here on this earth. He is the proof that there is more to come and that death is not the end.
In moments of overwhelming sorrow I not only am strengthened by my anchor, I am given courage because of the chain. Because Lenya is with Jesus and, through His Spirit, Jesus is in me, there is a direct connection. I have mumbled these words to myself in moments of sadness, “She is with Him and He is in me.” And through them, as a family, we have been revived again and again. In a very real sense we are holding hands with the One who is holding her.
This also means that through choosing to be filled with the Holy Spirit we can feel the cord grow taut. Walking in the flesh and choosing to sin puts slack in the line, but honoring Jesus and walking in the light reels it in. The more room we give the Spirit to come upon us and control our lives the more receptive we are to Heaven’s signal, it’s guidance, and the greater peace we will enjoy.
Hebrews 6:19 “This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which enters the Presence behind the veil …”
We recently came across a pile of stones that Lenya had gathered. All of our girls love rocks. They have real toys too — Barbies, Littlest Pet Shop characters, Disney princesses, and animals of every sort imaginable — yet they enjoy playing with rocks as much as anything you can buy at Target. Especially Lenya, she has loved them ever since she was very young. Whenever we go on a walk or a bike ride they love to collect them to be transferred to their purses, or other treasure boxes when we get home.
When winter loosed it’s grip and spring finally brought us back out to our backyard we made a discovery. On a patio table there was a handful of rocks that had been there since last fall. Alivia and Jennie remembered that Lenya had picked them from our yard and had been playing with them on a sunny day. When I heard this I stared at the rocks and could picture her standing there selecting them. I wonder what they were in her imagination. Rubies, sapphires and emeralds? Pirate coins? Dinosaur bones? Why did she pick these out of all others? What was going on in her wonderful little head that day as she whimsically played?
On that table they sat during the cold months waiting to be discovered as a different kind of treasure. A note tucked in a bottle. Once the snow melted there they were. They delivered both cherished memories and a clear message. Time is short. Precious. Fleeting. You never know when it will run out. There is nothing certain about our life on this earth except that it will end. We must savor the moments. Drink in the small things. Strain to find God’s joy in common occurrences as a tiny stone seen with creativity through the eyes of a little child.
Life rushes by and it waits for no one. You will never find time for the most important things, you must choose to make time. If you aren’t careful the tyranny of the urgent will rob your life of true significance. Jesus and people. These are all that will seem weighty in the final analysis. It is tremendously difficult, especially in this crazy, fast-paced world we live in, but you have to fight to be present and focused for what matters most.
I can’t wait to once again enjoy Lenya’s company in Heaven. I groan for it deep in my soul. I am looking forward to spending time with her collecting beautiful rocks on the new earth. Unlike these ones, they will never need to be cast away.
Ecclesiastes 3:4-5 “A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;”
In this whole process of responding to Lenya’s departure to heaven there has been one question I haven’t asked. That question is, “why?” I have never found my heart bubbling up with that. Even in my darkest moments of unfiltered pain and confusion: “Why did this happen?” or “Why did God let my daughter die?” wasn’t what gushed out. To be honest my lack of thirst for those answers has shocked me a little bit.
I am not saying I have faith made out of steel. I don’t. There have been times of deep, deep doubt. Moments where I have come close to despair. There have been anxiety attacks that verged on total meltdown.
The closest thing I can compare these moments to is having one of your kids get separated from you in the grocery store and that sick feeling of panic when you are running up the aisles looking for them. Only there is no resolution. It doesn’t end, on this side of eternity, you have to learn to live with it. Once I was on an airplane and felt myself slipping. I got so stressed that I thought to myself, “if you don’t get this under control you are going to get arrested trying to open the door or something.” I had to breathe slowly with my head down to stop myself from hyperventilating.
Even in these times of intense doubt I haven’t been plagued by “why?” though. It’s not because I already know the answer. I have no clue. Beyond generally, that all death is the result of sin, I don’t know why my daughter’s life on earth was cut short. Today is my birthday and I don’t know why I won’t get to spend it with her. I believe God could have overridden and kept her here. He wasn’t surprised by any of this. I also believe He could have answered our prayers and brought her back even after she left this world. He’s done it before.
One day I will know even as I am known, but not yet. Right now I look at all this through a dark glass. Not knowing doesn’t change anything for me though. I trust Him. I trust His plan. He knows what He is doing. He does all things well. I don’t have to know all the answers because I know Him. So my heart’s cry isn’t, “give me facts,” but “give me faith,” because even if I did have the information there isn’t much I could do with it. Even the tiniest measure of faith, on the other hand, can move mountains.
In the movie The Avengers there is a scene where Tony Stark and Bruce Banner are having a conversation. Bruce feels as though being the Hulk is nothing but a curse, a nightmare. He feels exposed, like a nerve, and sees no good in it. Tony, on the other hand, views being Iron Man as a responsibility.
He puts it this way, “You know, I’ve got a cluster of shrapnel, trying every second to crawl its way into my heart. [he points to his chest] This stops it. This little circle of light. It’s part of me now, not just armor. It’s a … terrible privilege.”
The point he is making is one that reverberates through the pages of scripture. Things that come close to crushing you completely can become an integral part of your calling. God has a way of weaving together even the most destructive things we go through to bring about His eternal plans and save the lives of many. He never wastes a trial. He has a plan for your pain.
I think of this scene often. I’m no Iron Man, but the pain of having my little Lenya go to Heaven so young feels at times like a chunk of metal seeking to tear my heart apart. If I had been given a choice between the two I would choose the shrapnel. In a heartbeat. Though it has been over four months now, the sorrow is still very severe. It can vary from a blinding and jolting intensity to a dull, cold, throbbing, like an ache deep in your bones.
I have found that there is nothing you can do with this pain except live with it and keep moving forward. I trust God and pray and read scripture every day. It still hurts. I feel myself getting stronger, but the pain never goes away.
The one thing that brings the most relief, that I look forward to more than anything, is church. Specifically singing. Like Tony Stark’s glowing arc-reactor, I find that when I am surrounded by a throng of God’s people and we are all lifting high the name of Jesus in a worship experience, the pressure inside my chest is alleviated and the sharp barb gets temporarily pulled from my heart.
These are also the moments when I feel nearest to her. Much more so than when I stand at her grave. That plot of earth merely houses her tent, she is in the presence of the Lord. With my eyes closed and my hands raised and the music swirling around me, there are glimpses of God’s glory that transcend all else. In those fleeting moments I feel locked in to the frequency of Heaven and everything else just fades to gray.
2 Corinthians 4:6 “For it is the God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.”
We recently took a tour of the Biltmore Estate in Asheville, North Carolina. It is the largest home in North America. A mansion in every sense of the word. There are 250 rooms filling up 178,000 square feet. It was built by a man named George Vanderbilt and he spared no expense. The architect he used also designed the base of the Statue of Liberty and the man he had design the gardens on the property is the same person who planned out Central Park in New York City. Astoundingly, it wasn’t even Vanderbilt’s primary home but a vacation property he called his “little mountain escape.”
It is an amazing place. From the gargoyles and the huge lions at the entrance to the indoor swimming pool, elevator, and bowling alley, it is impressive. Especially considering it was built at the end of the 1800′s. Vanderbilt’s personal bedroom has wallpaper made out of real gold and a light in his closet that turned on when he walked in. Even the servant’s quarters were cool. We felt like we were in the castle from Beauty and the Beast. Minus the talking candlesticks…
As we walked around we talked about how Jesus said that in His Father’s house there are many mansions and that when He went away He was going to prepare a place for us. When you put your faith in Jesus you have the promise that to die is to leave this old decaying tent and move into that perfect place. We were getting to see the largest mansion on the earth, but our little princess Lenya has been living with the King in a far greater mansion.
As of today, she has been there for 70 days. I don’t know how heaven’s time works. Perhaps for her it has just been a few moments and by the time we get there it will have seemed like we were never apart. What is for certain is that life in that place is much better than anything this world has to offer because, even if for no other reason than this, it is eternal.
On the tour they told us that not too long after construction was finished George Vaderbilt died unexpectedly from an appendectomy gone wrong. His wife and daughter suddenly found themselves in a big, cold house separated from the one who built it. That is so like life. Not even one of the richest men in America could keep himself from death’s icy grip. The good news is that if we have received the free gift of everlasting life offered through the gospel, death will bring us to Immanuel’s land where there is no night. And the mansion that Jesus has prepared for you will blow the Biltmore out of the water.