Half a year in Heaven

My heart shattered into a thousand pieces, each shard jagged and razor-sharp … the pain surreal. Deafening. Catastrophic. Six months ago today my daughter died in my arms. Wild panic burnt under my skin and blood hot with adrenaline flashed through my veins. I felt helpless, dizzy, and frantic. Sorrow upon sorrow.  

Never once had I ever entertained the notion that I would have to face the death of one of my daughters. Not that I am in denial about mortality. I’m not. I think and speak of death often. I know I am going to die. Throughout much of my life I have had premonitions of my death and have suspected that it might come for me at a young age, but I never considered the possibility of one of my children dying in Kindergarten. This was unthinkable. 

Yet in the darkness He was there. Invisible yet tangible, God was with us in those desperate moments. The beauty of suffering is that God is near to the brokenhearted. As I sank deep in miry clay Jesus caught me and set my feet upon solid rock. My soul was anchored with living hope.

Yes, her life had ended on this earth but her true life had just begun. It was a commencement not a conclusion. A comma not a period. In God’s presence is fullness of joy and at His right hand are pleasures evermore. Six months ago today my Lenya Lion went Home.

I miss her so much that at times it blurs my vision and makes my face flush. I know I will see her again but the space between is very hard. The last half a year has been marked by ups and downs, tears and (perhaps even more difficult to deal with) the absence of tears. Sometimes my emotions are like a live wire and at other times I feel numb. Yet in all these things, nothing can separate us from the love of God and we have seen Him put to use what He has put us through. 

“For I know that my Redeemer lives, And He shall stand at last on the earth; And after my skin is destroyed, this I know, That in my flesh I shall see God, Whom I shall see for myself, And my eyes shall behold, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!” (Job 19:25–27)