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I Declare War

“There is nothing I can do to stop it. My stomach flutters, and my skin is glistening with sweat. Thinking about all the different ways I could possibly die by my own hands, I lurch from sleep with a sickening quickness, like an unbuckled crash test dummy in a simulated collision. My mind races, and my eyes burn. The voice in my head telling me I am going to kill myself sounds like me, but it is not on my side. Helplessly I watch myself moving toward a path of self-harm—and I have no emergency brake to pull. Panicking, disoriented, and scared, I stumble out of bed and pace the hall, trying to figure out where I am and why I am so afraid. Under my breath, I mumble a trusted Bible verse from my arsenal over and over. (Hang with me until the end, and I will let you look at the weapons I keep in my war chest for specific situations just like this.) Eventually, I’m able to bring down my mind’s RPM from a scream to a dull roar. The fear that hung in the air like a thick, acrid smoke soon dissipates, and I start to feel like things will be all right. I peel my T-shirt and towel off my damp skin before crawling back into bed. Variations of this 2:00 a.m. ritual have played out as far back as I can remember. ”

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Levi Lusko is the lead pastor of Fresh Life Church, which will use the information you provide on this form to be in touch with you and provide updates and marketing. Please select the box below to receive those updates.

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